By: L. Holth
Emotionally exhausted, I crawled into my car and pulled onto
the road. Instead of being happy for the newly engaged couple in my Bible
study, I was jealous. I wanted a partner, too, someone to walk through life
with and tell me I was worth fighting for.
After seven years of singleness, someone like that didn't seem to
exist. I felt like I was in the disciples' boat when the storm came up all of a
sudden, pouring water into the boat, and threatening to capsize it, and Jesus
was asleep, blissfully unaware of the problem (Luke 8:22-25).
I was so tossed around and pummeled emotionally, I didn't know how I
was going to make it through another day, month, year, or however long it took
for Mr. Right to materialize.
I knew God could fix everything. He's God! But, He seemed to be asleep
at the wheel ... again. Mysteriously, conspicuously absent. Why wasn't He DOING
something?!
I finally decided God was big enough to take whatever I threw at Him,
so I vented every ounce of my anger and frustration: Don't you even care?!
In that moment of absolute honesty, I heard for the first time in my
life a nearly audible voice. "Do you believe I know what's best for
you?"
"Well, ... of course You do!"
"Then why don't you trust Me?"
"Because You're not doing what I want you to do!"
"Do you believe I know what's best for you?"
We went round and round with these two questions the rest of the drive
home. If I believed He knew what was best, why wasn't I trusting Him to take
care of it?
I remember that conversation with God so vividly, and periodically
those questions haunt me when God isn't doing things my way. As I read the
story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8, I'm reminded of those questions yet
again.
I can just imagine the disciples' thoughts when Jesus accused them of
not trusting Him. "Are you KIDDING me?? We're about to get KILLED in this
storm, and You're ASLEEP!!"
How were they supposed to know He had everything under control? He
didn't even appear to know what was happening! If He wasn't acting, how would
they know to trust Him?
The same questions continue to plague believers today. How can we have
faith when it doesn't seem like God even knows we're hurting? Or worse, what if
He does know and chooses to do nothing?
Two years after that over-the-mountain argument with God, I was again
lamenting to a co-worker the fact that no Mr. Right – or any man for that
matter – had shown up in my life and that God didn't seem to care. She stopped
me and lovingly, but firmly said, "Laura, I really feel like God wants me
to tell you this: He has a husband for you. But, he's not ready for you
yet."
Little did I realize, God was preparing my now husband during both of
those rock-bottom moments. During that late-night drive, Erik was a junior in
college, just becoming comfortable in his own skin and learning to be a godly
man. When I was crying in my co-worker's office, Erik was fresh out of college,
struggling to find God's call on his life. God knew I needed this particular
man, but he wasn't ready to be married yet; so He kept working on Erik behind
the scenes – and putting up with my tantrums when I didn't understand the
incessant delays – until he was exactly the man I needed. How thankful I am God
waited to bring my husband until he was mature and perfectly ready for me!
Hindsight is always 20/20, and with this new perspective, I'm learning
to trust that God does know what's best for me and is always working behind the
scenes, even when I don't see His movements.
If you feel like God's asleep below deck and unconcerned about the
frustrating events in your life, take heart. Maybe He's just dreaming up
something better than you ever could have imagined for yourself.
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